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Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I\'ve never tried before.
Whether you think that you can, or that you can\'t, you are usually right.
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don\'t add up.
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The right to swing my fist ends where the other man\'s nose begins.
In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.
I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
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A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, \'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don\'t believe?
The truth is more important than the facts.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
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Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent\'s eye, that charms to destroy...
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Oh for pity\'s sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
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To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
I don\'t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
Men have become the tools of their tools.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
So I rang up a local building firm, I said \'I want a skip outside my house.\' He said \'I\'m not stopping you.\'
Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.
If quantum physics doesn\'t confuse you then you don\'t understand it.
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I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.
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I\'m all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let\'s start with typewriters.
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
Raymond\'s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
They laughed when I said I\'d be a comedian. They aren\'t laughing now.
The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.
I don\'t care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
No one can earn a million dollars honestly.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that\'s how dogs spend their lives.
It\'s clearly a budget. It\'s got a lot of numbers in it.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can\'t remember what they are.
If it wasn\'t for muscle spasms, I wouldn\'t get any exercise at all.
The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
Gigerenzer\'s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
The truth is more important than the facts.
If there?s one thing I know it?s God does love a good joke.
Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it\'s more likely to be female.
TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent\'s eye, that charms to destroy...
Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.
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Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
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Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I\'ll waste no time reading it.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn\'t cure.
Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
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I don\'t know anything about music. In my line you don\'t have to.
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There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.
Throughout American history, the government has said we\'re in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It\'s a hoax.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Devlin\'s First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin\'s Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
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I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
After every \'victory\' you have more enemies.
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.
I am not young enough to know everything.
And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings
If it wasn\'t for lawyers, we wouldn\'t need them.
Either he\'s dead or my watch has stopped.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I\'m not there, I go to work.
A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it\'s good it\'s wonderful, and when it\'s bad it\'s still pretty good.
Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it\'s because they\'re such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.
Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.
Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.
I\'ve never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I\'ve seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.
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Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
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You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you\'ll be afraid to cough.
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I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
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We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
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Those are my principles. If you don\'t like them I have others.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don\'t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
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A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.
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Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
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I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It\'s about Russia.
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In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
When I am dead, I hope it may be said: \'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.
Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.
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Three o\'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.
I don\'t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.
Gigerenzer\'s Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.
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Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
We have art to save ourselves from the truth.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
I hope life isn\'t a big joke ... because I don\'t get it.
Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
It\'s not the size of the dog in the fight, it\'s the size of the fight in the dog.
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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I\'m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It\'s the transition that\'s troublesome.
One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.
Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
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For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.
Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.
Love is the answer - but while you\'re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
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Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.
If you think it\'s simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.
Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.
A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)
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Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.
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If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.
You got to be careful if you don\'t know where you\'re going, because you might not get there.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.
If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
A good sermon should be like a woman\'s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Hearing nuns\' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
If it wasn\'t for muscle spasms, I wouldn\'t get any exercise at all.
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Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
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The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent\'s eye, that charms to destroy...
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The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.
All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.
Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent\'s eye, that charms to destroy...
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A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.
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I wouldn\'t mind dying - it\'s the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.
If it wasn\'t for C, we\'d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.
A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.
Sex is like air. It\'s only a big deal if you can\'t get any.
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.
The difference between \'involvement\' and \'commitment\' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was \'involved\' - the pig was \'committed\'.
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Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.
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Research is what I\'m doing when I don\'t know what I\'m doing.
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I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
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The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn\'t go away.
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It\'s about Russia.
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Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.
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All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You\'d be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don\'t know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that\'s my position.
Opportunities multiply as they are seized.
Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
最終更新日 : 2012/01/29/(Sun) 03:57
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